Review

In my job as a mother, there is one thing that is missing: an annual performance review.

 

How I long to sit down for a bracing chat with my direct supervisor to discuss my mothering abilities. We would talk about my strengths, challenges, and frustrations. We would set some goals, and I would receive some much-needed validation.

 

Alas, this is a pipe dream, because I do not have a direct supervisor – nor, sadly, do I anticipate getting one.

 

So, instead of dwelling on the fact that I’m doing this mom-thing without a jot of constructive feedback from anyone, I like to imagine I have a fairy godmother who is watching me as I go through the motions of my day, nodding encouragingly as I whip up a batch of homemade mashed potatoes and tsk-tsking me for ignoring the bed linens that need to be washed. I think that my fairy godmother would be thrilled to conduct my annual performance review, and that she would do so with aplomb (as well as a British accent):

 

Fairy Godmother: Overall, I am very pleased with the caliber of your work. Every morning you show up on time with energy and enthusiasm. Your ability to multi-task and your attention to detail are exemplary. I’m impressed that you consistently attend to your responsibilities, even though you’d rather be watching Project Runway or going to Starbucks.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

Fairy Godmother: I see that you worked overtime a remarkable 99% of your days on the job this year. You certainly went above and beyond the call of duty, especially during those middle-of-the-night shifts you picked up without advance notice.

 

Me: Yes, I did. Thanks.

 

Fairy Godmother: I am especially impressed with your meal-planning and execution. If my calculations are correct, you made roughly 1,095 meals this year, and that is a lot of time spent in the kitchen! I’m aware that no one in your family realizes how much effort you put into preparing food, but I certainly do – especially that lovely pot roast with root vegetables you made last week. Nicely done! On a side note, please watch your son’s sugar consumption. He hoards cookies and candy and has got what appears to be a gnarly sweet tooth.

 

Me: Duly noted.

 

Fairy Godmother:  There are a few things that you need to work on, so please take note:

 

1. You could try harder to do something crafty with your kids every now and then.
2. Baking brownies or cake (or anything, for that matter) from scratch won’t kill you.
3. You need to organize your closets before one of your children is struck by a falling object.
4. You should attend to that pile of mail and notes from school that has taken up residence on your kitchen counter.
5. You must tidy up the interior of your car. It’s revolting! That chunk of wasabi that fell under your seat when you were eating take-out sushi last April is still there!

 Me: Yes, it is. I appreciate the reminder and will take care of it right away.

 

Fairy Godmother: Now, let’s talk about the dreaded elephant in the room. And by elephant in the room I mean the dirty laundry you still haven’t washed and the clean laundry you still haven’t folded. It appears to be taking over your home.

 

Me: [Silent.]

 

Fairy Godmother: Is there a problem? 

 

Me: I’m sort of traumatized by my laundry, Fairy Godmother. It’s always there. As soon as I get one load finished, there are two other loads waiting to be done. It never goes away.  

 

Fairy Godmother: No, it doesn’t. But it’s gotten a little bit out of hand when you’re selecting clean clothing from a mountain of laundry located in the corner of your dining room – really, of all places! – rather than from your closet or dresser like normal people do.    

 

Me: I will try to be more responsive and timely with my laundry, I promise.   

 

Fairy Godmother: That’s good to hear. We will revisit this topic next year and see if you’re able to reduce the amount of days it takes for a load to be completed. I expect to see some change here.

Me: Absolutely. I will do my best.  

 

Fairy Godmother: Now, as we bring this review to a close, I would like to congratulate you on successfully keeping your children fed, bathed, dressed, educated, and physically fit. Because of your accomplishments, you are eligible for a salary increase and –

 

 

***OK, my imagination is starting to get away from me.

 

I snap out of my daydream and realize with dismay that I need to peel the carrots for dinner, review my kids’ homework, unload the dishwasher and – no surprise here – throw a load of clothes into the dryer.

 

I miss my Fairy Godmother already.