Friday, January 1, 2016

Earbuds

A new and troubling trend is occurring in my house.

Until recently, my family pretty much ignored everything that came out of my mouth. (Check this out.) After years of being forced to repeat myself numerous times to get anyone’s attention, I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that no one listens to me around here. It’s become my normal.

However, things are changing and I’m not enjoying the direction we’re headed. It’s no longer about simply being ignored: my kids and husband don’t even hear me anymore. I mean this in a literal sense; they actually cannot perceive when I am speaking to them.

This is because Santa Claus (and by Santa Claus I do not mean yours truly; I mean a certain someone to whom I am wed) thought it would be a brilliant idea to give our children super-cool earbuds for Christmas. In juicy neon colors, these earbuds are essentially the technology equivalent of candy – showy, irresistible, alluring candy. Case in point, since Christmas morning our kids have employed their earbuds in every possible way known to humankind: with the iPad, with their iPod touches, with the laptop computer, with their clock radios, etc. etc. The earbuds have come to look like absurd, fluorescent appendages dangling from their heads.  

At first, I kind of liked how serene it was in my house. With all of the kids attached to electronic devices via their ears, it meant that they weren’t arguing with each other or complaining to me. But I quickly discovered that this tranquility comes with a hefty price tag: the earbuds are physically blocking my voice from entering their cochlea.

This is a problem.

For example, when it’s time for dinner, my usual “IT’S TIME TO EAT” hollered two or three or eight times from the kitchen no longer suffices. Instead, I have to go from room to room, locating my children in the shadowy nooks where they play Fruit Ninja and listen to Selena Gomez. Then, I must tap them on the shoulder to indicate my presence, whereupon they yell, “YOU SCARED ME, MOM!” because they didn’t see or hear me coming. Finally, I physically tug the earbuds from their ears in order to tell them that dinner is ready. Because they feel the need to match the decibel level of the music being piped directly into their brains, they respond “OK, MOM” at the top of their lungs.

But it’s not just at mealtime that I’m frustrated. Yesterday morning, for instance, I wanted to let my kids know that I was leaving to run some errands. As usual, it took some degree of effort to pinpoint their whereabouts. Jane was the last to be discovered – interestingly, behind the Christmas tree, listening to music (with her earbuds, obviously). I motioned to her that I was departing, and she replied (without removing the earbuds), “OK, MOM” in that bellowing voice I’m trying my best to get used to. Then, I did an awkward pantomime to indicate that I loved her. She nodded her head and yelled, “I LOVE YOU TOO, MOM.”

It must be said that my husband is really the one who kick-started this earbud trend when he purchased noise-cancelling headphones last year. I wanted to ask him a few questions in order to write this essay, so I tracked him down a few nights ago. It took a little bit of time because he didn’t respond when I called his name; not surprisingly, I found him sitting in front of his computer while actually wearing the noise-cancelling headphones. I had to pat him on the shoulder to get his attention and motion for him to remove the headphones. He obliged and proceeded to give me some good details.   

He told me that he initially bought his noise-cancelling headphones to wear when traveling on airplanes, but he admitted that there are a few other benefits to using them. Specifically:

1. “They keep my ears nice and warm during the cold winter months.”
2. “They sort of prevent me from hearing the kids while I do my paperwork on the computer.”

When I pointed out that the noise-cancelling headphones also probably prevent him from hearing me, he murmured, “Isn’t it wonderful?” while snapping the headphones back in place.  

***

I’ve been talking with my sister Annie about this ridiculous earbud situation, and she thinks I should start wearing a pair myself – even if I’m not actually listening to anything. She thinks I should make my kids and husband come and find me and tap me on the shoulder when they need me so they can see how it feels. “Give them a taste of their own medicine,” she says.

Annie might be on to something. Or maybe I should just chuck my children's earbuds in the trash.

Either way, I haven’t reached any conclusions yet. I’m just busy making dinner for a family that cannot hear me when I announce that it’s done.   



Happy New Year, dear friends! I hope your 2016 is filled with comfort, good memories, and children who listen to everything you say.