Q&A

Me, age 40

Meghan, my old roommate and dear friend, always used to say:

“Some years ask questions, and other years answer them.”

When she recited this quote, which is based on a line from writer Zora Neale Hurston, we would both fall into a reverent silence, wondering what new demands or clarifications the year ahead would unfurl at our feet.

Like most twenty-somethings, we focused our attention on Big Things: where to live, where to work, how to know when we’d met our future spouse. And Meghan and Zora were right: in those days of our burgeoning adulthood, each year seemed to offer a distinct question or a practical answer, nudging us a few steps closer to the women we were supposed to be.

Long after Meghan and I said goodbye to our apartment and moved to different states, her quote still rang true. Marriage, jobs, houses, babies: I navigated my way through all these pivotal, defining moments – questions asked, answers given. A life built.

***

Many moons later, here I am: a 40-year-old with all my pieces snugly in place. I find myself chewing on that quote, wondering if it applies to me any more. Are there any Big Things left?

Some of my good friends have gone through seismic shifts recently, coming to grips with sick parents, divorce, unwanted career changes. I’ve seen how these events – let’s call them Serious Things – can shake up one’s world, so I’m grateful I have nothing like that on my plate right now.

But I do miss the luster and sense of promise that accompanied the weighty and electrifying Big Things of our 20’s and 30’s. I know, too, that I’m not alone in pining for those forks in the road that had the potential to radically, magnificently change our lives overnight.

Last month, I had my annual physical with Dr. Kate. (My appointments with her usually turn into something resembling a therapy session – for both of us.) She just turned 40 and feels bereft that she’s passed all of those Big Thing milestones. Like me, she doesn’t have any questions that still need to be answered.  

Dr. Kate and I agree that – of course – it’s marvelous to be where we’re at, especially after investing so much time and hard work to get here. But when the pressing questions in our personal lives consist of “What should I make for dinner tonight?” or “How can I lose the ten pounds I’ve gained?” or “Exactly how much laundry can a person be expected to fold in a given week without going mad?” then we need to expand our horizons and search for new possibilities.

Dr. Kate thinks we have to figure out what Little Things bring us meaning and joy, and act on that. But what, exactly, are these Little Things? Do many Little Things equal a Big Thing? By seeking new Little Things, can we stave off that proverbial mid-life crisis?  

I don’t have the answers – yet. And Dr. Kate says that she doesn’t, either. But at the very least, we’ve got to put the questions out there.

And perhaps, if we're really lucky, 2015 will answer them.